I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I really don’t know if I want all of my story out there for everyone to know. These stories are so personal to me and I’m just throwing aside my guilt, pride, shame… everything. Putting everything on the line on a hunch that this will help me or someone else. I know that there is a reason. There has to be.
One of my dad’s famous phrases was, “Do the right thing the first time so you don’t have to do it again.” At first it was just about doing the dishes. “Take your time, pay attention as you go and you will get done faster and can go play.” Sometimes this applies to other things in life. If you keep trucking along, keep focused on one thing for a long period of time, you can accomplish amazing things.
I have borderline personality disorder. I really don’t know what that means besides that I am a ‘different thinker’. Doesn’t mean we are worse or better, just different. They tell me that this disorder is sometimes misdiagnosed as bi-polar disorder because they share many symptoms. When they started calling my actions symptoms, I got scared. Mental disorders, or ‘problems’, run in my family, so of course I got scared. Just as I was scared when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Again, runs in the family. I got scared that one day it would be me. That fear crippled me for years. Probably still does a little, but I have much more control of my emotions now. I work consistently at defeating my disorder. I know I will never win, but if I slow down and focus on the battle, I can at least have the upper hand on this fight for a lifetime.
Either way, I have symptoms that I need to overcome and I know I’m not the only one. Millions of us fight every day to understand. To grasp on to reality or emotions that sometimes end up out of our reach. “There is a way out of this,” I would tell myself in the beginning. “You’re a fighter!” I would scream in the mirror. It helped a little, but it didn’t quite do the trick at first and I thought of my dad’s encouragement. “Do this right the first time and you won’t have to do it, again.”
It’s amazing how he is still with me and sometimes I don’t realize it until after I do something right. He taught me value in motivation, and for that I will always be grateful that he was in my life and that he was my dad. The tools and tricks I talk about not only come from the help that I have had but the lessons I have learned while experiencing all of this. That is why I want to share my story. Sharing knowledge is vital to human experience. Hopefully it will motivate the ‘different thinkers’ to not give up on each other. Or better yet, help average people understand what we fight for every day.
I would scream in the mirror thinking that these affirmations would help someday. They had to. It was the only tool I had to get through the lows in the beginning. “Just keep working at it and focus on it, it will be done and I could go play,” was one of the most important affirmations I used. Thanks Dad.
Still working at it and always will be. I hope it reaches out to you in a way that assists in the healing process.